Shitty Day
Yesterday was ass.
4 AM call followed by a 6 AM call. I did absolutely zero of my job. It isn’t particularly hard to work in a McDonald’s when it’s properly staffed, but it is tedious and feels like a waste of time when I have an ever growing backlog of tech needs in the organization. My day was so messed up, I didn’t really have time to do proper voice training. Just ran some vocal exercises when I had some free time. I got 4 calls yesterday for new tech tickets in the organization that I haven’t had the time to diagnose and troubleshoot because I wasted my day playing the part of an overpaid crew member and bagging orders for the entire day. I’m salary, I put in my hours and I’m not trying to work for free. I’ve asked my boss to give me another tech under me, even a part-timer to delegate some work to, and she doesn’t think we need it. Whatever.
There were a couple high points, and I want to write these down to help me get out of my slump.
I tried on an XL shirt at work and it fit. Last year in June, I was wearing 3XL. Huge victory in weight loss, getting some negative feelings around the left-over stretched skin. I’ll probably look at getting some work done.
I visited my mom and got some makeup and brushes and other stuff. My parent’s have known that I’ve been wanting to transition for a while and are very supportive. Something I know others aren’t so lucky with.
I pained my nails and felt pretty good about that. I’ve been active on r/gamergirls for a while, and one of the topics that comes up is using a keyboard with long nails. While my nails weren’t long, trying to type with wet paint on them, meant using the pads of my fingers to type instead of the tips. It made me feel cute and girly for a bit. (Special thanks to Freya for encouraging me, She’s awesome <3)
Hung out with some friends and chatted, had some drinks(I think this was part of the problem.), while doing my makeup.
But then after trying on my wig and seeing how my makeup turned out, dysphoria hit super hard. This post isn’t going to be as happy as the last few.
Content Warning:
Dysphoria, Depression, Alcohol, Mental health bullshit in general. Some problematic language. Internalized transphobia? idk. Proceed with caution.
I haven’t talked about it a ton, I mentioned briefly my biggest dysphoria points. I’ve been happy to talk about the voice stuff, because that’s where I’m feeling better about it. Body hair is it’s own issue. My genitals don’t cause me that much dysphoria, though they might once other things are in place. Idk.
Prior to starting my transition, my dysphoria was mostly a numb constant depression. I never looked in mirrors, except to shave. They tend to cause more acute spike in my dysphoria. Something I’d grown to accept and just lived with. It just made me feel numb. Since I got on Bupropion XR last year, my baseline level of happiness has been better and I get anxious less.
Depression makes it hard to enjoy the good parts of life, which is why I need to talk about them and not dwell on the bad parts. But I can’t ignore the cause of my depression., it’s what I want to seek treatment for. I mentioned that feeling of having a wet blanket on me before. It came back last night and is still here this morning, though a little bit lighter since I talked to Kishi.
Anyway, so the important part of the story starts last night. Er’Win asked me about hanging out, as I planned a Friday night hangout vaguely. I said, whenever and got on FFXIV after I finished some irl house stuff.
I start painting my nails and chatting. in FC while I wait for people to arrive. We move into the tavern part of my house and pick sitting spots and start vaguely chatting. I’m largely just vibing as it’s difficult to type with wet nails, but I’m also drinking some whiteclaws.
Drinking tends to exacerbate my emotions. I think it’s because it alleviates inhibitions, and my emotions tend to be inhibited. I feel happier when I’m happy, but when I’m sad, I feel worse. I drank to help myself get the courage to try, and to share my results. I was excited to share the nail stuff because I felt super good about it. After a confidence boost from Freya. Gonna share them again, because I’m still happy with them, despite everything.
First time in over 20 years I’ve had my nails painted. Still making me feel cute today. As I type this, I look down at my nails and get a little jolt of happiness that cuts through the depression and dysphoria.
Anyway, on with the story. After I get my nails painted, I start on my makeup. I put on my wig cap to get my hair out of the way and get started, following instructions from a makeup creator for transwomen. Link here.
I take a bit for the first few steps, but when I get to the powder, I struggle to get it open. I asked Freya for help and sent some pictures with a picture at the end after I got it open with the assistance of a knife. I thought it was funny, so i figured I’d share.
Anyways. Once I get the powder on, looking at myself in the little mirror. I was feeling good. My stubble is largely hidden. Not perfect, but a huge improvement, with practice and a closer shave, it would be better. In my excitement, I change into my cute casual maxi dress and grab my wig and put it on. Once I get to the mirror though, my dysphoria strikes super hard. I try to adjust the wig and fight a cute angle, but I can’t shake it. It’s harsher and raw. My eyes focus on my jawline and my shoulders. This next thought is particularly problematic, but it’s an emotion that I feel and want to put into words.
My biggest feeling was that I looked like a man in a dress and a wig.
Looking back at my pictures from last night, I still don’t want to share them. (I will one day, but right now, I’m not comfortable with them being out there.) But I don’t feel as bad about them, Still not where I want to be, but a marked improvement over the day to day. So really, I think the drinking was the problem more than anything.
I think I’m going to stop drinking completely. I already barely drink as it is. Since I had an annoying week and a rough day, I figured I would treat myself. But my treat ended up making my day worse. While I don’t think I would have had as much fun if I were sober, I don’t think I would have hit such a deep low. I wouldn’t feel as raw right now. But as the morning goes on, and I talk to my partner. It’s slowly starting to fade. Writing everything down certainly helped me process my feelings, so I’m definitely going to continue journaling about the good, as well as the bad. Also got some good news on shipping, something is coming two days earlier than expected.
My new(temporary) boobies!
So at this point, I think more than anything, my next steps need to be to get with my doctor and come up with a plan. I’m working on a list, but so far I think my goals in approximate order are:
Voice Feminization Training
Get into therapy
Laser Hair Removal (I’ve heard it’s easier, pre-HRT.)
HRT
Facial Feminization Surgery
Anyway! I wanna play some video games and do some voice training, so I’m gonna stop writing now. Outro time!
Okay love you bye bye now.
-Kat