Week One Voice Training
Last couple days have been a bit busy. After my bad day, I took Sunday to just kinda relax and vibe. I slowed down on my shaving stuffs. I did my makeup on Sunday before my friends came over. I’ve ordered a couple more things. My updates may become less frequent going forwards. But hey. I still plan to drop them. Like I said in my original post, this is for me to track my journey, and hopefully for other eggs to crack that are in a situation similar to me. I really needed a positive example that shared a body type like mine(Tall, hirsuite, and overweight). This is also why I plan to share pictures at some point. But I’m still uncomfortable in my skin.
Firstly, voice training. I’m super happy with my progress so far. Anyways, I’ve done a few recordings over the past few days, I’m not going to share them all, but suffice to say, I’ve been practicing while listening to myself and while not. When I’m not listening, I try to record and listen back to it to see where I’m at. My first recording had a little bit a kitty bomb. I thought it was cute, so I’m sharing it.
I find it really easy to maintain my voice when I’m listening to it, occupying the D3 to D4 range, but when I’m not listening, sometimes I dip down to C3 or B2. That said, I think I’m still occupying a feminine sound. That’s where things are going the best.
Of course, I did another Don’t Forget cover. Cause that’s one of the few songs that I sing on a regular basis, that I feel kinda comfy sharing. Some of the other ones are cringier with lots of forgetting lyrics like a derp.
I think trying to match femmy voices in singing is helping my intonation a lot. But it’s also influencing how I say some words, so it’s giving me a bit of a weird accent. I’m also getting worse at boy voice, which doesn’t really bother me. Just kinda funny.
I’ve made some progress in getting happier with my appearance. I got a new wig, that’s closer to my natural hair color. Still a little darker brown, with dark roots But it also has super cute bangs, which helps hide my forehead. Once I’m ready to start presenting, I plan to shave my head and go full wig-girl. But like I also mentioned, I got a little lazy with shaving. It feels like a losing battle. But I got back on the wagon last night, got a nice close face shave today, I’m feeling okay. But still a lot of dysphoria around it.
In terms of medical assistance. I’ve scheduled a consultation for laser hair removal. I think that’s going to be more important for my dysphoria than HRT. My natural facial hair generates a lot of gray patches. Which can be covered with makeup, but it gets a sort of grainy look that I don’t like. I know you’re supposed to carry a makeup bag and touch it up regularly. Which I’m okay with. I’ll do it. But like, I don’t always have time to sneak off and touch up my makeup in my job.
Then the other thing. I scheduled a therapy appointment. I’m gonna be talking to a therapist. Just like my voice is occupying a higher range, so too have my emotions. I’m getting higher highs. Happier than I’ve been in years. But also worse dysphoria too.
For me, trying and failing to look fem, feels worse than not trying at all. That’s why it took so long for me to try. When I would look at myself in girly clothes, I’d get a little smile. Then I’d see my body parts and hair, and get more dysphoric than I was prior to doing that. But I’ve finally got the motivation and will to put in the effort to try. I think therapy to develop better mental models to work through when I’m in those low moments will be important. I also wonder if I have BPD or some other emotional regulation disorder. I’ve got a pretty fucked brain as it is lol
But maybe it’s also my brain with the veil of depression and dysphoria being lifted and this is just how normal girls feel? I don’t know. It’s weird. But I don’t hate it. I cry more, smile more, laugh more. My baseline is higher, which means I feel happier most of the time. I just wish my lows were a little higher. Just like my voice :3