New Kat, who dis?
I decided that I wanted to start an online journal. Not sure how much I’ll share it, or how much I’ll actually post. But I want to write about how I feel a little more and throw it out into the ether. It’s really just going to be a stream of thoughts, so I don’t begrudge anyone who decides to stop reading. This first one is gonna be long, because really, this journey started last year. But there’s been a huge leap forward that I’ll get to at the end.
Last year, in January, my dad had a stroke. I was 35 at the time and I’ve been kinda just coasting through life, not taking my health seriously. I didn’t even know how depressed I was. It was habits that I picked up from my dad.
The short version is, I got a call from my mom, that dad had a stroke. I ran to pick him up and run them to the hospital and found out it had started the day prior, but he didn’t want to go to the hospital. This was a wake-up call for me. My grandfather died of a cancer that would have been more treatable if he had went to the doctor sooner and this was a reminder of how fragile life could be. Thankfully my dad has mostly recovered, but he’ll never be 100% of what he was.
With that, I got a doctor’s appointment and started pursuing health improvements. At my first appointment, I found out I was up to 350 pounds. I’m 6’2, so most people pegged me as lower than I was, but still. I was recommended a nutritionist and given some advice. I’m bad at exercising, always have been. But I’m a gamer at heart. I always loved Beat Saber, but never got into it seriously. But its been an important part of my journey so far.
I also started meal prepping and drinking protein shakes. Making my diet easy to maintain. I still have an issue with stress eating, but it’s become less of a thing recently.
Since last year, I lost over 120 lbs. I am sitting in the 220-230 range. I’ve slowed down a lot, but I’m still steadily losing weight and getting to a healthier place.
In the last couple weeks, I got back into FF14. I met an awesome person(Shi) that invited me into a very welcoming community. They’ve done more for me than I could have ever expected. Provided me with a group of like minded people that I could really just be myself with. And then on top of that. I met a person who is absolutely amazing.
I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I met her. It was like I was being held down by a wet blanket that was keeping me from moving. I felt emotions, but they were numb compared to how I feel now. It’s so extreme, I’ve been crying from happiness, and feeling sad. I’ve been a whirlwind of emotions. People in real life have commented that I’m smiling more, that I seem happier. It’s such a weird feeling, but I love it.
And she’s been a huge part in that. Supporting me, every step of the way. Making the hard days easier, making the good days better. I love her.
But you’re not here for all that cringey mushy stuff… Except maybe Er’win… I’m sure. If you’re here at all. Schrödinger’s reader. You’re more interested in the big announcement.
I’m officially starting my transition!
I’ve been dealing with gender dysphoria since I was a pre-teen. Small things here and there, like playing with my young aunt’s barbies. Preferring to play as girls in video games when given the choice. Puberty made it a lot worse. As I mentioned before, I’m 6’2. I have big feet and I was hesitant to try because I was scared that I wouldn’t pass. But some others shared pictures recently that gave me hope. Really pretty girls, with a frame that is similar to mine. It made me think. I might be able to pull it off.
So, my first step was what I typically do in life.
Google: “how to trans reddit”
Found some nice guides, and got started a couple of days ago. First step was ordering stuff. I’ve got undies and inserts coming soon so I can start fitting clothes. I have a bald spot, so I’ve also decided I want to be a wig girl, so I ordered a cheap starter synthetic wig. (Just came in last night, it’s suuuper pretty) A bunch of hair removal stuff, razors and clippers. Along with some starter makeup to start experimenting on the weekends until I feel ready to start presenting.
Also learning how little I know how to girl. The recommendation was to order some cheap starter nail polish to play with and feel girly. I wanted something with a wide variety of colors as well as black. (I think I’m ultimately going to settle on a gothy vibe, but want to experiment.) Ordered the first one I saw. Which happened to be gel. I looked at the little included instructions and saw UV curing and was like. Oh… I messed up.
But I’ve been working on some other things. Tomorrow’s post will be more about progress updates. I want to share my journey, so people like me might be motivated to try, regardless of how they look or feel, to know that they can be happy. I am taking progress pictures and recording audio of my voice training. Once I’m more comfortable in my skin, I’ll start sharing my progress pictures.